Back When I Was Human…
I noted this morning that our brother Josh Hamrick has a new recording out.
I started clicking through the songs and found he had recorded a cover of one of my all time favorite songs…one of those songs that everyone has that is part of the “soundtrack of their life”.
The song is called “Missing You” and for me it will always be about the one true love of my life that I lost when the original came out in 1984.
For almost forty years the song has caused me pain whenever I hear it and it made me wince this morning.
I almost started writing Josh a note telling him how much that song meant to me when I was still human….then recoiled at what I had just told myself.
I rarely feel human as my “faith” has conspired to suck all that makes us truly human out of my soul.
Christians are not supposed to be angry or grieve past or present losses, not supposed to feel anything deeply except in worship, not supposed to lust after anything but leather Bible covers, and don’t you dare feel the fear…
Back when I was human, the joke was that they would play “He Stopped Loving Her Today” by George Jones at my funeral followed by a triumphant “Whole Lotta Shakin Goin’ On”…because there was a time when I embraced being human like few others you will ever know.
Back then, giants walked the land…Jerry Lee and Merle, B.B. and Bobby Bland…George and Tammy…take your hat off when you say that name…Gospel singers shouted and rocked…Mahalia and Sister Tharpe and Dottie Rambo were the New Jerusalems where heaven and earth became one place where the very human met the Divine and both were pleased.
The giants are gone…I had to edit what I think of the new generation…Lord knows I hate to offend.
In the Incarnation, Jesus took on all that it is to be human…and Christians have been trying to neuter and spay all He did ever since.
Back when I was human…it should be no surprise that I’m in so much pain…all these amputations come at a cost.
God bless Josh for making me feel again and to remember what it felt like when I was human…I may try that again someday…
Yep. you get it. After 28 years of public ministry I had forgotten what it meant to be human. A few tragedies in a row reminded me, and this album is the record of that awakening. This is a beautiful article. If it was still the good old days, I’d ask if I could use this as the liner notes. Thanks for being you, man. That’s about all I can say.
Josh,
It’s been a tough morning fighting back all the feelings and memories…and I’m grateful for it.
I just have to decide if I can afford to stay awake…
Thank you for the kind words…and I pray that you have new chapters to write, new songs for your soundtrack…you still have many miles to travel…
Thanks for daring to share your thoughts, Michael. Your humanity…then and now…is appreciated.
PH,
Thanks…I don’t think anyone knows what to do with me anymore….but that’s ok…
Michael, this is so good! I honestly don’t know what to say, other than I feel it.
Thanks, CK…I knew you’d get it…and I knew most wouldn’t…and that would be ok…sometimes you just have to get stuff out.
My experiences of living are similar to yours, except in reverse.
I started out closed up, closed off, defended to the max. An unsafe childhood will do that to you.
I never cried. Never. I was tough and capable and smart.
I remember when my heart started to soften as I began to actually let Christ in, let the Holy Spirit dwell in me, little by little over the years.
I remember beginning to be able to cry, not just in sadness but also from sweetness. Slowly tears came easier to me, as did all feelings.
I guess I started out unhuman and evolved into humanity.
Michael, you know what I’m going through and I will tell you what I am telling myself: do not let pain rob you of life, of living, of being you.
I like what one of my teachers, James Finley says: “May we, in being transformed and set free, become someone in whose presence others feel safe, seen and accepted. For it is in such encounters that this weary world becomes a blessed place.”
Alex,
Amen.
This article was me planting my flag (again) in refusing to be conformed…
Was just reading Richard Rohr and came across this quote that I think might be pertinent: “If our religion Is not showing us how to transform our pain, it is junk religion.”
I’m not sure all pain can be transformed, but if my religion isn’t helping me to at least hold it well while still being fully human, as you say, then I’d rather have God than that religion.
Alex,
Amen, again…
I was talking to a counselor this morning railing against words like “closure’…I don’t want “closure’…I want to feel the pain and live with it…feel fully and live fully…move on…carrying all that formed me.
The heat is getting to me… 🙂