Crushed Roses
When pastors fall the primary victims are the wife and family.
Today, we present an essay in three parts from a friend who survived being the wife of a fallen pastorâŠa friend who knows better than anyone the healing path from rubble to redemption.
Here is the fragrance of the crushed rose...
My redemption has come full circle. I have been through a restoration process that I wouldnât wish upon my worst enemy, and I am marked with a priceless scar as a result. Â This is my offering of freshly minted insightsâmy brand new nature borne from narrowly surviving the distorted-god-culture of my youth. And although this culture was the one that snipped me from the mother ship that is all things Calvary Chapel— hurling me into deep space in my time of desperate needâShe was also the keeper of my spiritually formative yearsâand still dear to me for that reason. Her people are my people, and there is no good in promoting cannibalism in our midst. Nor will I sweep under the rug the breeches in her levy and look the other way as if a broken system is inconsequential. Neither is it my intention to imply that God cannot work in the broken CC system: He does. Broken systems are all God has ever had to work withâmyself included. In fact, mentioning CC here is only for the sake of contextualizing my comments in regards to the Coysâ new situationâI do not intend to single out Calvary Chapel as the sole culprit of our floundering evangelical landscape: Sadly, She is not alone, and I have since discovered the same mal-nourishment well beyond CCâs non-denominational boundaries, spanning the entirety of our faithâs history.
The Coyâs story is reminiscent of my own Ichabod: Godâs glory departing from the landscape of my life. Having walked down an eerily similar path to that of theirs as the pastor and pastorâs wife, I was sickened today by CC Ft. Lauderdaleâs tragic news. But beyond the nauseating grief of this announcement, was the frustration borne from my being relegated to the sidelines on a day like this–unable to speak a veteranâs clarity into an already combustible situationâa scenario so nuanced and convoluted that it will no doubt take years for this crippled family of faith in Ft. Lauderdale to unravel. It was also unnerving for me to recall the brutal lessons borne out of my trial.
Iâve become convinced that precious few can see the complexity of the storm system we are now viewing at FLCC. Most onlookers cannot and will not know, because the truth is just too painful and theologically destabilizing for them to seek out and to bear. And who, after all, volunteers to take Godâs hand and walk into His glaring light publically? Who willingly hangs naked for all onlookers to gaze upon in the midst of their deepest test? And who writes this kind of story for themselves? I have come to realize that nobody walks willingly into their own death campânobody not the fallen and not those observing their fall. But itâs an experience we all desperately need.
Jesus may even have alluded to it once or twice?
It is precisely because I wear this survivorâs lens that I can speak passionately to this issue and notice critical components that others may not. For example, I recognize the illusions that the Ft. Lauderdale family must be swimming in as I type this page the now elusive realities of Bob and Diane Coy that came crashing down in a day.
I include Diane in this narrative as I included myself in the culpability of my own tragic story because an illusion this big cannot persist without the âcoveringâ of a wife. Not because I do not recognize our own victimizationâI do. I include Diane because there is a role that an enabling spouse playsâwhether intentional or notâwhich must be recognized to initiate a healing-path of any kind. I have no intention of sounding cruel here. I am indicting myself.
But I no longer believe a pastorâs wife could be married to a man caught in a stronghold of duplicity without playing her own integral part. Somehow the wives of CC became the pastorsâ unnamed P.R. firms and lent our credibility to their regimes. And if you are sitting in on of our pews you might think, âShe seems nice enough, if there was something wrong she would say something. Right?â Â Calvary Chapel, like so many others, simply lacked in modeling accountability, and did not encourage the wives to hold their men to any standard of truth. And while I never heard the words âcover-upâ in the ranks, it was an unspoken reality and we all knew what was expected of us. Patriarchal systems like the CC network of churches arenât known for giving the keys to the kingdom to their wives.
Not that I judge her with any kind of harshness. On the contrary, she is the greatest victim here and my heart is aching for her in a strangely tethered way. The fallout in Dianeâs life will undoubtedly surpass that of any otherâs in this hideous ordeal, and she will be required to navigate without the benefits of her church family, or the position of privilege she has lived with for the better part of three decades. Nope! She is just out: history erased, identity stripped, done. If any persons require a tender sort of triage today, it is Diane Coy and her children. I pray the body tunes into their grave state in the midst of their leaderâs eclipsing fall. This notion that he Coy family is simply encountering garden variety âmarriage problemsâ is an illusion, and probably the tip of an enormous iceberg that has become their mega-church way of life.
Another common illusion in the church is manifest by our language of instant and easy grace. Itâs not just us. Itâs a twenty-first century problem that has infected every aspect of our lives. Insta-everything! Donât like the results? Press, âdeleteâ and move on. We want to be good parents, for example; but we rarely take the time to instruct, disciple, and discipline our children to bring about that good result? Instead we abdicate our essential role as the bad guy and wonder later about what went wrong. Like parenting, the kingdom life is a long journey and full of work. There is no way to wholeness or path to healing that can circumspect this reality of unwanted work. Itâs no wonder so many are tempted to sweep our dysfunctions under the proverbial rug of grace. Itâs so much easier to slap a Bible verse on it and call it good.
I have purposed here to use the term âhealing pathâ, as opposed to a âhealingâ or a ârestorationâ that would indicate the immediacy of a miraculous event. I choose this language carefully because I am certain that while many are even now initiating the narratives of hope and restoration for Bob and Dianeâthe kind offered in a drive through window, so as to not waste any time getting their beloved pastor back where he âbelongsââI know that their wholeness is a long, arduous, and terrifying way offâif they can find this healing-path at all. I suspect there is a faithful stand of men huddled in someoneâs living room who do not recognize their own misplaced agendas of immediacy. Theyâre lobbying for the grace Bob so desperately needs, and arguing for the generous dispensation of it now. Both to save Godâs reputation and to preserve the precious âaltar callsâ so needed in their town. Rare is the Christianized publicist who recognizes the profound value of coming altogether clean. As a family, our attentions need to stay fixed on what matters. My grueling and restorative path taught me that truth not only matters, it matters in a million different ways. Without truth the leaven can only remain.
As a previously fallen pastorâs wife, I imagine Dianeâs focus is on the immediate threats to her marriage and ministry, and not on the incalculable collateral damage that a scandal of this magnitude has yet to produce. Soon the tsunami will sweep through every relationship in her life: her identity, her inner circle, her nervous system, her mental health, her financial security, her shattered sense of community, her sense of kingdom âcallingâ. Denial too will be ripped from her weakening grip that unspoken guardian of fear that protected her from what she wasnât ready to face. Her losses will prove to be multi-faceted and probably the most difficult trial her life will ever present. I can only hope that she will one day refer to this nightmarish episode as the introduction to her deliverance, and not an âattackâ on her mega-churchâs existence. Diane needs a handful of tenaciously loving friends, as I had, to help her grope through this darkness. God bring her those courageous friends.
There is a tragic irony at play in the leadership of our faith circles everywhereâa dilemma hidden in the spiritualization of all things Christian and the rationalization of all things base. Â Weâve learned to manipulate with our religious language and control our potential mentors with well-crafted verse. Manipulation and accountability make horrible partners. Our integrity will remain elusive if we will not quiet ourselves long enough to let all of that finagling go. Oh that we could surrender to the mysterious methodology of reconciliation that is Godâs alone to orchestrate! Surrender is one of those critically vital deals.
Today, I would bet my life that the stuff that needs to be discovered examined and talked about behind closed doorsâmany integral components of a potential healing arenât even on the Coysâ radar. Not because God is hiding it from them, but because they are no doubt in a state of denial and unknowing self-sabotage. Strongholds are nasty like that.
I am thankful to hear that Bob got fired, even though it sounded more like, âI think I should step down for a little bit?â, (which leaves room in the minds of his parishioners for his eventual return). Having gone through that particularly ugly power-struggle from the inner circle, I hold the belief that, reinstituting the Coys to their previously âanointedâ ministries cannot be the answer to this devastating situation in Ft. Lauderdale. In fact, I would argue reinstatement is the worst course of action possible. For Bob and Diane as individuals, for the Coys as a family, and for the church as a genuine community of Christ followers in Ft. Lauderdale, the language that encourages restored ministry is the very last narrative they need to hear.
Conversely, I have come to believe that it is only during the long and agonizing process of reconciliation that one can discover the potential for something of real kingdom-value in their newly shattered livesŸa process yet to be seen in the Coys. This process will include taking an honest look at every relationship in their life: Their relationship to their God, to themselves, to all others, to money, to their childhood wounds, and to the earth. The Coys face many difficult truths wrought with difficult decisions, and we cannot know now how they will react. There are no short cutsâonly cheap and unsustainable counterfeits that offer fleeting relief. Upon reflection, I can recognize that our CC network of churches rarely expounded on the God of this tedious process. Why should a Christian emphasize that kind of self-examining work when the God of instant miracles could be claimed so readily by examining the right verse? We prided ourselves in not getting weighed down with such things.
Unlike the God of âinstantâ answers, my newly unveiled âGod of the Processâ taught me to appreciate my very practical institution of pain. And I believe that if the Coys would willingly enroll in and submit to such a school, the fresh agonies of their new and unfamiliar curriculum would more than suffice for total restoration.
But it is with deep regret and unwavering confidence I am predicting what they have in store even in the best-case scenario.
These are the irreversible consequences, and the newest friends on their journey back toward being reconciled to the Body of Christ. Hope for the Coys will need to include a gracious acceptance of the anger on the faces of people they served and eventually betrayed. This alone holds the potential to cauterize these lessons on their hearts. They need to let their congregantsâ pain burn something eternal into their own wounded souls: Thatâs good and effective medicine, and not to be confused with shame. Furthermore, I would also guess that they would discover an inability to categorize the black from the white. This new sensation will usher in a sense of unexpected disorientation and darkness along with the innumerable shades of gray that haunt their recently lost sense of stability and control. They wonât get to be ârightâ all the time or call all the shots. Bible verses will bring more dissonance than peace. Â The things they previously took succor in will be found empty and repulsive. And all of this is a true gift from God because this season of deconstruction is necessary to make way for the work.
There is no room for the new, until the old has been cleared away. No room. These new experiences and more can be added to a list healing events that could fill several books about true restoration, but how could I expect you to know that reader, unless it has happened to you?
But it did happen to me. God reached out and waited for me to take His hand on the most terrifying journey of my life. And I was eventually glad to discover it, because it meant that what the Scriptures had said about Him was true. He came in grace and truth, to heal that which was broken, to set the crooked back to straight. He came to make all things new in my wake of destruction and yes–victimization. He had NO desire to sweep anything under any rug justice is part of His story. His intentions were thorough and brutal and loving all at the same time. I trusted Him with my breaking point, and He entrusted me with His treasures that allowed the wholeness to finally come.
And IF Bob and Diane decide to surrender to the mysterious stream of Godâs Spirit that leads toward healing waters and a new whole life, And, âŠ.IFâŠ. they continue in that directionâŠ
IT WONâT LOOK LIKE A 30-DAY PROGRAM!
Again, Itâs not because I believe they do not want the help; itâs because all roads leading to something nearer to the truth than their own versions of it have been quadranted off as âfrom the devilâ, or âoff theologicallyâ, or too âhumanisticâ, or âtoo psychologicalâ to offer them valid relief. We can only hope that the expulsion from their unsustainable man-made Eden will bring them to the God of the whole worldâs treasure trove of helpâand not merely to the God of Calvary Chapelâs seemingly impotent solutions.
If lasting help is to be found, It will be nuanced and multi-facetedâcomplicated and surprisingâeach lesson so big it can only be in the lime-light itself for a day at the mostâtoo big to share with any other day. And if all is progressing well, their tomorrows will hold a handful of new lessons, each day filled with fresh revelation and illuminationâthe kinds that burrow into the âinner-most partsâ of their once sealed-off souls. Thankfully, this seems to be Godâs slow and merciful approach: reserving the power to trickle the truth out in small, manageable dosesânot the âall at onceâ approach. I love how God is full of mercyâa tender reed He will bend but never break.
To survive this, the Coys will probably have to adopt an entirely new approach to their faithâone that doesnât include the Bible as weapon, or the Bible as excuse, or the Bible as permission to dominate, or the Bible as permission to âcoverâ our sins rather than hold them squarely under the Light who is Christ in the here and now. They will need a language that sets aside the Scriptures that have handily been âusedâ to justify, rationalize, and manipulate–in order to maintain Bobâs position of power/influence/âcallâ/âgiftednessââone that humbly makes way for something Eden-kind-of-new.
Iâm holding out for hope that. If healing and wholeness is to be found in the lives of Bob and Diane Coy, then today could be the first of innumerable days filled with the creative power of the God who brings order from chaos, whether together or apart. I have also purposed not to act as though the âmarriageâ is the most important thing at stake here: I do not believe it is. I hold to the conviction that their individual faith is what hangs in the balancesâthreadbare and not yet tried. Concentration on anything else could hinder this critical process.
Finally, it is with this new and painful reality in mind that I would urge the body of Christ to let them find their chance at a healing far and away from public ministryâa life with all the realities possible in Christâone that Bob could only address from a distance before. Itâs time to allow our tenacious God to save them from their humanly constructed and clearly unsustainable lives. But first, we must all face our familyâs dysfunction and get out of the way. He is up to the task folks.
Let them go.
We had to make some last second edits…sorry about the interruption.
This is a profoundly insightful testimony borne out of struggle few of us could endure. I speak a hearty ‘amen’ to the entire piece.
Wow…..I feel like I just sailed the depths of a person’s life with a glass-bottom boat…..powerful….
I second Filburtz’ motion.
Good to see something about the wife in all of this.
I have read the posts in certain places on the internet, almost all in support of Bob Coy. For every one that brings up the wife, 100 bring up Bob and not the wife. No exaggeration.
That’s really unfair, unloving, unchristlike, and hurtful of the Bob supporters to hold that position.
I don’t agree with her ending assertion about the Bible. Because, the Bible is the absolute Word of God and is always the only answer. It is actually adherence to the Bible that Bob Coy wasn’t doing in his own life, that caused the problem.
There is a beautiful fragrance coming from a crushed rose. Thank you for sharing your heart with us.
Michael thank you so much for posting this. This I’d exactly what is needed at this time. This testimony, plus the recent post from Bob Sweats experience, tore at my heart while also providing enlightening hope. Having gone through this on both sides of my marriage I’ve experienced many elements of this – of course not in the same public manner. Restoration and healing is possible if The Lord is at the center. We are 13 years restored and our marriage is stronger than ever
Mark,
Thank you…every testimony of redemption matters.
Mark,
Praise God for a restored marriage!
Please read this article: Jennipher Abeyta; Brian D. Abeyta; Abeyta teens; Beauty for Ashes Congregation in Lone Tree, Colorado; Calvary Chapel Castle Rock; CCCR congregation, both now and former.
This is truth and hope.
Finally, it is with this new and painful reality in mind that I would urge the body of Christ to let them find their chance at a healing far and away from public ministry.
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Yes, I agree far and away from public ministry. I would encourage CCphilly to take Diane Coy off the speaking tour at their women’s conference in a couple of weeks. She is the last person that needs to be in the public’s eye now.
http://d2goalzmwj5a3p.cloudfront.net/wp-content/uploads/2014/03/2014-Seminar-brochure.pdf
Thank you Bob and thank you Michael for discerning that these types of threads are an important part of the process. We can focus on the sin and tear each other to shreds or we can help in the restoration which is more difficult but much more important.
I heard someone say that when the humility and pain of our sin eclipses the sin itself, then we can say that’s restoration. Bob, I have seen that in you for the short 3 years I have been here. Thank you for sharing.
i am glad that the men here value women and look out for us. makes me happy. đ
Covered,
I made a conscious decision Sunday to make this week about redemption and the greater issues we face in these kinds of situations.
We have some good stuff coming…
Dusty, I missed you yesterday!! I thought I was gonna have to take your blood pressure. I am so happy to see you and pray you are well!! đ
Andrew, whether or not Diane is still listed on the brochure, I would highly doubt she will still be speaking.
e-brother đ
Kevin,
You might be right but if they know she won’t be speaking, they shouldn’t falsely advertise her speaking. CC should be on top of this because many women who already signed up for the conference may have expected her to speak. They should at least be offered to get their money back.
Andrew, I don’t want to distract from the thread so this will be my last comment on the topic. These brochures, many of which have already been distributed were probably first printed weeks ago. Making a change now probably doesn’t make a significant difference. I would also highly doubt that many women are going to want their money back just because one of the listed speakers doesn’t speak.
The brochure specifically states that NO refunds are allowed. Hopefully they will change that. I would imagine many women would want a refund because they may be disillusioned with CC with the recent events. Although some may make the claim this is just a CCFL problem, I respectfully disagree. I don’t think this kind of thing could have been hidden for so long without a few of the top CC pastors knowing about this for a long long time and choosing to covering it up. That is just my opinion.
Andrew, I know it’s popular around here to be critical of CC, but I believe it’s a bit irresponsible to be making those kinds of assumptions. When you paint the problems of one church across all associated churches, you could be damaging some genuinely good churches and church leaders. I wish everyone would take pause and consider that before posting some of this stuff.
a pastor,
I followed a few articles on this blog well over a month ago that something huge was coming down the pike. RiBo knew about this a long long time ago it would seem. He was also the first to break the story. How come no CC pastors did anything before this? Just curious?
setting aside the bible, ministry, service, responsibilities, etc. sounds pretty radical, but the advice here is sound. It is like going through the wardrobe or down the rabbit hole–everything has changed in a moment and the former ways & means no longer apply in the same manner.
Andrew, no CC pastor did anything ‘cuz of the ‘boy’s club’ mentality they all have.
Thanks dusty, that’s what I thought!
This article must go down in the archives as one of the most beautiful, painful, and necessary of all Phoenix Preacher articles. I have already commended it to several pastor friends as a must-read.
Thank you, Crushed Rose, for allowing us a glimpse into your pain and restoration. I know that the events of this past week have dredged up many painful feelings for you. I pray that your sharing this is and will be a continued part of God’s healing process in your life.
Thank you, Michael, for commissioning and publishing this writing.
A couple things here.
When you reach this level of celebrity you also reach a level of isolation…and there are few close enough to speak into your life.
You also acquire a false sense of privilege…and those who do speak are not heard.
My network is pretty shocked…and I have a pretty deep network.
Andrew… I can really say. I can only speak for myself.
I had no idea. I was sickened, heartbroken and horrified when I got the news Monday.
As a CC pastor, I can tell you this:
I have a wonderful church board that holds me accountable and I submit to their accountability. I had a board meeting last night and we discussed this and prayed over it. We reviewed the accountability matrix set up among ourselves, my wife, etc… They are far more than a group of rubber stamps.
With the above said, we don’t communicate with Costa Mesa much. I go to conferences. We hold to a similar ministry model. We even fellowship among one another. But Chuck Smith would not have known me from Adam, nor would any other prominent CC Pastor. My local CC pastors are my fellowship, many of them have places of accountability in my life. Many of them are prayer partners. But the idea that Costa Mesa runs local CCs is erroneous.
It’s probably worthy of note that our church bylaws look less like Costa Mesa’s than you would expect. Our board has teeth when it comes to the conduct of a pastor. So, again… I beseech you guys from the heart of brotherly affection, consider what you’re doing when you so casually lump churches into the same barrel. You may be hurting very good churches and very Godly leadership that are doing very Biblical, Godly ministry.
Good day.
I would assume most, if not the vast majority, of CC pastors never had personal contact with BC, and those who did likely had no knowledge of the rumors nor the truth until it came out. Most CC pastors have limited contact with each other & it would be likely that no one gloats publicly about their ‘indiscretions.’ I think it is wise to use a very fine bristled brush when painting on this canvas.
CK,
Thank you…and I agree wholeheartedly about the value of this piece.
#24 — “Andrew, no CC pastor did anything âcuz of the âboyâs clubâ mentality *they all have*.”
Great job.
#29 — filbertz — Well said. Thank you.
Andrew, are you sure that Alex knew about this for some time? That’s not what he said and we need to be careful not to add to this already damaging situation. Alex I know was aware is working on other issues that are also damaging to CC’s but this wasn’t one of them.
was aware and working on other issues
a pastor
Thank you for sharing!
What filbertz said in #29
Let me add my thanks for publishing this thoughtful and, I believe, very useful article. After some of the snarky comments the last few days from people obviously hurt by this turn of events that are lashing out at the messenger rather than looking for root causes and ways to be of assistance to those hurt and injured in this affair.
This was a most enlightening deep dive into causes and effects, and one I found thoughtful as well as troubling as it illuminated the subject of common discourse on this site. That is the weaknesses and failing of CC in particular, American evangelical institutions in general, and possibly all of Christendom as we fallen creatures try to live up to our own expectations. Organizational structure, attitudes, methods, people, ways of doing business, mega churches, etc., all are under examination as this failure has come to light — only the most recent failure in a world that this is all too often an occurrence.
Much to ponder. Thank you to Michael and the author for sharing.
covered, I don’t know how long Alex knew. Only he knows. But he does have a page on Bob Coy that has many interesting comments that go back a long long time. In addition I heard a lot of criticism from Michael with his reporting and his response was that CC had more than ample time to deal with the situation before he reported but CC did nothing. All of this tells me of a systemic problem. I don’t think the problem is with small CC shops that no one really knows about. I believe its the big ones and the big names in the elite board of the CCA. I believe these top dogs knew. That’s my personal opinion.
Crushed Rose,
That was one of most poignant pieces I have ever read about healing in the church.
Thank you for sharing something so personal with us.
You are quite welcome, Bob Sweat– though it was my privilege for the opportunity to add my viewpoint among the many at hand. I think it only appropriate also add my thanks to the author of the above essay for sharing her heart so beautifully and instructively.
My prayer is that all of the desperately needed healing happens, that Romans 8:28 be proven true in such a way that God is glorified through such horrible actions, and that the God of all comfort be glorified and provide opportunity for the hurt to one day comfort others in His name.
Beautifully written piece.
Andrew,
“I believe these top dogs knew. Thatâs my personal opinion.”
The top dogs are still in shock.
Coy is on the East Coast…and that may as well be the moon in CC.
# 36 — “That is the weaknesses and failing of CC in particular, American evangelical institutions in general, and possibly all of Christendom as we fallen creatures try to live up to our own expectations. Organizational structure, attitudes, methods, people, ways of doing business, mega churches, etc., all are under examination as this failure has come to light â only the most recent failure in a world that this is all too often an occurrence.”
JU, that is a great point. I don’t believe this is a CC issue. It is a church issue. We’ve seen church leaders fall in nearly every denomination, and in numerous non-denominations. We’ve seen church abuse in pretty much every church movement this side of the apostolic times. Jesus had to chide the church as early as Revelation. Paul had to correct the church as early as Corinth.
The church is a bunch of fallen people, owned by Jesus, trying to do God’s will by the power and direction of His Spirit. Any church gov’t will only be as good as its leaders are Godly– that’s why scripture talks more about the character of the leader than it does the form of the government.
I’ve been reading and studying the Book of Judges lately. It’s the ultimate, “they did that which is right in their own eyes” book. It’s like looking into the mirror of my own humanity.
Reading about Samson’s life & legacy as penned (under the inspiration of the Holy Spirit) by an unnamed author has been quite interesting. Suffice it to say, Samson would have been railroaded out of the land (Church) at the first mention of his marriage to a foreign woman if he lived today.
However, the moral of the story, even though it’s mostly immoral, is tucked into verse 4 of chapter 14. Namely, that in spite of our sins and weaknesses, God will accomplish his purposes.
It’s ugly sometimes, yes, but we must as believers bow the knee and acknowledge that God’s sovereignty and ability to work out everything according to counsel of his own will is preeminent. Even in Bob Coy’s life. Even in mine.
Like Samson, it may require the stripping of our pride, loss of stature, being subjected to public humiliation and even the gouging (figuratively) out of our eyes for God to accomplish his will in our lives.
So be it…
.
“The top dogs are still in shock”.
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In shock because this got exposed or because Bob cheated? The good ole boys club is tight and maybe they never expected a leak!
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“Coy is on the East CoastâŠand that may as well be the moon in CC”
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Not for Don McClure. He is listed as an assistant pastor in ccphilly when I believe he lives in CA. That one boggles my mind.
thank you thank you thank you
“To survive this, the Coys will probably have to adopt an entirely new approach to their faithâone that doesnât include the Bible as weapon, or the Bible as excuse, or the Bible as permission to dominate, or the Bible as permission to âcoverâ our sins rather than hold them squarely under the Light who is Christ in the here and now. They will need a language that sets aside the Scriptures that have handily been âusedâ to justify, rationalize, and manipulateâin order to maintain Bobâs position of power/influence/âcallâ/âgiftednessââone that humbly makes way for something Eden-kind-of-new”
I understand this. It’s not a discarding of the Bible, but a deeper look at what I now call Church Culture and duplicitous interpretation of the Scriptures. There is a whole lot of picking the verses we like and discarding the one’s we don’t, then saying ‘oh that was for then not now and I’m living Biblically”….. Part of the journey to Truth in devastation like this saga includes looking back at the verses I’d read hundreds of times and seeing them in a different way, realizing my lack of context. When Diane starts asking ‘what else was I wrong about?” the tsunami will begin to flood inward. Life, thoughts, relationships and relating to God will change. Big time….
Wow! I believe this is one of the most valuable articles even posted on this blog ⊠& there have been many important subjects covered. The words expressed here are of great value and need to be read by many. I’m sure this was difficult to write & I’m so thankful the author was willing to share this wisdom & truth. So much wisdom born from painful experience ⊠wow! Thank you for sharing!!!
Andrew,
The” tight good old boys club” only exists in your imagination.
That is a highly fractured group of men.
I just haven’t felt like writing about it.
Michael, I agree they are a highly fractured group but I believe there is a super glue that is even stronger that holds it all together. Its the legacy of Chuck Smith and the fear of anything getting out. All the Moses Model pastors I have come across operate exactly the way Chuck Smith has taught them over the years.
Great article to whoever wrote it.
“My local CC pastors are my fellowship, many of them have places of accountability in my life. Many of them are prayer partners.”
So sad that you are not a part and are “above” and outside of the life of your local church.
This is a huge part of the problem, not just in CC, but in all moses model churches.
What an insightful, loving, well-written piece! Any way to get this in the hands of CCers all around?
I praise God for this message of yours Crushed Rose. Your life now bears a fragrance that brings true repentance and healing with it. Thank you for ‘falling on the Sword of the Spirit’ whether by choice or not. I am grateful for you and your message
Gary, that would be wonderful, but unless it comes from CC it is taboo….they are discouraged strongly against reading anything without the CC stamp of approval.
Jim, I agree! it’s like they dissuade you from being with friends and family -Christian or not -that do not go to that particular CC. sounds cult-like i know….but true…
So envisioned here is a life restored but not ministry restored. I understand and once held that view completely. I do not follow that path now and will elaborate more about it.
Michael, I’m the one who brought up the ‘boys club’…I am sure it is still there to some degree. Hope i’m wrong.
Paige, I like your thoughts on this….very insightful. and thought provoking.
Hi Nancy!!!(((Hugs))))) got lots to tell you! in a nut shell things are better.
Alan Hawkins at #56, I am beginning to lean that way too. I hope you can convince me.
Alan, what is your definition of ‘ministry”? I know the author of this article very well…and we have had many many discussions about ‘ministry’, having both once been public speakers, teachers, church leaders and paid staff…. Now neither of us are in such positions, have little desire to ever be. Pretty hard to be a ‘pastor’s wife’ when not married to a pastor.
“Ministry”. Take the example of making coffee. If I make coffee at home, it’s home making. If I work for Starbucks, it’s a job. If at the church’s coffee bar, it’s ‘ministry’….
Starbucks is a ‘job’ because I get paid…. but what about pastors/ministers who get paid?
The author of this article and I have come to see life as ministry. All of life. Making coffee for spouse or friend is ministry. Mowing the elderly neighbor’s lawn is ministry. Keeping my front yard tidy in the neighborhood is ministry. As Brother Lawrence would say ‘turning my omelet, as unto Jesus” is ministry. Love thy neighbor…. to me, the outcome of losing identity and place is being able to see that ‘ministry’ is all around in daily life.
I liked the article and feel for the writer….but CC does not seem to work that way, they seem to assign the “wounded pastor” to another CC in another state and things go on as normal…
When BC’s top right hand man of 30 years and the worship leader of 30 years leave in the same year- )in the last 18 months or so—it seemed there was something brewing for awhile.
I related a lot to this article. Very well written.
Having left this church being hurt deeply by this Pastor’s actions, I still have been sick to my stomach since finding out. It is just so unsettling.
Dusty- You are right. The congregation was told he would never Pastor THAT church again- but nothing stops him from coming back next year in another location. His brother did that.
anon, I came from his brothers first church…..
THAT is the good ol’ boys mentality. Rather than fixing the unaccountability problem it encourages it.
This post is remarkably honest and transparent. Thank you for sharing it. And thank you for not prioritising marriage over the individual spouses.
Sometimes a husband who is sex addict is also abusive to his wife. If anyone here wants resources to help deal with domestic abuse, you might like to check out A Cry For Justice. cryingoutforjustice.com
I co-lead that blog with Pastor Jeff Crippen.
#51 Jim. You shouldn’t make such unfounded assumptions and accusations. It is unbecoming. Just because I fellowship and pray with fellow pastors somehow means that I do not fellowship or pray with the congregation? It would appear that many on this site are eaten up with quite a bit of vitriol.
Carry on.
I’m trying to figure out what Jim said that was vitriol. I thought he was quite calm.
Gary at #52, if they will check their emails, I know of at least 12 CC pastors that will be receiving this.
Dusty, vitriol is too strong a word for the context, and Jim’s comment was far from vitriolic. On the other hand, I think Jim did make an assumption that “a pastor” has fellowship with his colleagues, but not his parishioners.
He calmly made unfounded accusations, which to the heart of a pastor, are cruel. If I had said, “Local CC pastors are the totality of my fellowship and the only people I pray with”, then perhaps it would have been justified. But to accuse a pastor of being above their congregation is a pretty ugly criticism when it is untrue.
I was at the emergency room until late last night sitting with a husband whose wife was being tended for severe abdominal pain. My wife and I have multiple families over for dinner per week. Tuesday afternoons, our home is open to the men of the church for fellowship and prayer. Over the years, we’ve opened our home to allow several of the families to live with us while they were displaced for one reason or another.
So, yah. It’s pretty apparent some folks here are allowing past hurt be expressed as unneeded vitriol and are painting with far too broad brushes.
BTW, Dusty, it is SOooo good to see you here!
yay Captain Kevin, good idea!
And for the record:
vit·ri·ol
ËvitrÄÉl,-ËĂŽl/Submit
noun
1.
cruel and bitter criticism.
#51 – “So sad that you are not a part and are âaboveâ and outside of the life of your local church.”
why thank you Captain, sooooo good to be back! Thank you for your prayers for me and your love
A Pastor, Jim is usually not as you seem to think he is…perhaps he misread your post. I am sure he will clear things up when he reads this thread.
I am sorry to interfere.
sorry I used the word wrong – I have bad grammar and horrible spelling as well. :/
No need, dusty. I was making an observation. Little more. I’m sure I’ll live, as will Jim. đ
Dusty-
Where was the first church?
I don’t know about you but this writing came across to me in kind of an ambiguous fashion of a sort at first read. My comprehension lacked in reading some of it. That bothered me. I kind of felt out of the loop in comprehension.
That is not to say that it is not sound wisdom, just that I did not get it in some portions of it.
I know that it is written from one who has been through a lot of deep pain, that part I get.
The overall wisdom of it all is that there can be no substitute for experience. And I think that what i am getting out of it is that it is saying to stop the man generated rush to fix the situation. Let time and God do their work well in the timing of the Lord.
A lot of time.
My take in my own ambiguous fashion…
A man’s heart is what is on the tiller of how all of this will come together I think. Mr. Coy either gets real and true or remains evasive and shadowy. His past will certainly speak out at some point so he should now come clean before someone does it for him. He needs to cooperate with what has befell him, the exposure was a long time in coming. He had plenty of time to set things right and to move forward, letting sleeping dogs lie.
But now the dogs are awake and they barked loud and clear.
After all, in reality he is just one of us and not Seinfeld as a Christian in ministry.
God is never with out a replacement. None of us are unrepeatable. God has his people waiting in the wings who will do damage control from Christ perspective. Everything will be OK except for one thing.
When I take a nail out of a board, the hole remains behind…
The author of the post of this comment thread knows this all too well me thinks.
JonnyB,
There have been times in my life that my faith no longer worked. I had to abandon much of what I thought I knew about God and start afresh. Times when I wanted to abandon the faith altogether. The limits of my previous faith could only be recognized in light of traumatic events in my life that were instrumental in revealing the true of my own soul. Before those times I did not have the light to see, or willingly lowered the shade when I heard God’s still ,small, voice calling me to leave it all and follow Him. I understood what the author is talking about here because I lived through my own tragedies that were an incredible high but necessary price to pay for the relationship I have with God today. I think it was David Ruis who penned, “down the road of suffering, to the wedding feast”. Jesus said it another way: take up your cross daily and follow Him. Much of Christianity is about asking Jesus to take up His cross and follow us…… and that, is not the Christianity of the Bible.
This is beautifully written and thank you for posting. My heart breaks for Diane and the children. I am sad for Bob too – I don’t understand what went so terribly wrong. Though I haven’t attended CCFL in a number of years, it was where I heard the gospel message and began my Christian journey. Bob dedicated my kids to the Lord. He also encouraged us through a difficult season in our lives.
My family has history there – the past couple days, I am being reminded of our time at CCFL – and remembering a time long ago, in the early ’90’s, when the church was still small and you knew almost all the names and faces. That was a precious time. It really was. As the church grew to such large numbers, undoubtedly it took a toll on its leaders. How is it normal to have some 20,000 people attending and not be able to go somewhere without someone recognizing you and wanting to strike up a conversation? It would be tiring to not have anonymity, in my opinion.
Thanks again for posting this article. It is one I’ll enjoy rereading several more times.
My prayers go forth for the Coy family.
pstrmike,
Thanks for that!
Just from what you said I am willing to say that it is very likely that you have learned to yield to the Holy Spirit in true humility.
Just stepping out on a hunch so to speak…
That is why you have found God’s favor in provision of those things you have sought to obtain I would think.
Humility has a hard price in a sense. But you already know that.
As Gibran the poet once wrote:
(Paraphrased)
“The chisel of the Master’s hand hurts as it carves out a bowl in the block that will contain much love for others.”
You know, when I was a younger man I knew so much, I had all the answers. And now I know so little.
The cross of Christ is a wonderful place you have found.
A pastor,
I merely quoted you.
âMy local CC pastors are my fellowship, many of them have places of accountability in my life. Many of them are prayer partners.â
I apologize if my interpretation of your words was incorrect, as you clearly meant to say that your local church was your fellowship and source of accountability.
No need to further defend yourself, or to assign motives to my statement.
Perhaps Bob Coy is like some biblical characters such as King Hezekiah or King Uzziah. They were both good kings for a long time …until they crossed a line. For Hezekiah is was when he was dying and cried out to God. God told him he would live on and even told him how many years he would live. Read about what a show-off he became and the son he had. Yikes!
King Uzziah came to the point where he decided he was good enough to act as priest. Uh-oh! Can you say leprosy?
Thanks JonnyB. I don’t know if I really know much about humility, I could create a list of names that would tell you I don’t. I do know that nothing that I have I deserve. This article hit home to me in so many ways. After some years in the ministry, I felt like the worse thing I ever did for my relationship to God was to become a pastor, and it took some time to get over that and rekindle my walk with God, if that makes sense. I had to develop a harder outer shell and softer inner spirit.
apastor,
Jim is a good guy, cut him some slack.
Thank you all for participating on this great article today.
Thanks to my friend for the courage and heart to share it.
It is saddening to see so many people who are delighting in this and any CC pastor downfall. As a pastor pointed out, this is a church problem, not a CC problem. It happens too often at all kinds of churches. I have never seen so many “Christians” filled with hate for their brothers! Why try to cover up the hate by writing beautiful/deceitful /eloquent/ Christianese words? Many here are tearing down yet trying to make it sound pious/religious. Does anyone care about what this downfall does to the name of Jesus?! Or are you just in the “Yeah, gotcha!” mode? Furthermore, where is the proof of an adulterous affair? Because Alex said it, makes it true? Um, no.
” Does anyone care about what this downfall does to the name of Jesus?! ”
Obviously Bob Coy does not and all of his defenders apparently do not. I keep asking, isn’t anyone just pissed at Bob Coy for his actions and the bad light it shines on the church? As I said yesterday – just another Elmer Gantry and the church does not need another Elmer Gantry.
I think the outcry from the church may just shine a better light on Christians, so unbelievers understand that we too have moral outrage.
Brent, your suggestion and that of others seems to be more in line with those protecting the Catholic priest – sweep it under the carpet, let God deal with it.
Brent,
You are a liar and a fool.
How’s that for an introduction?
Nobody here is delighting in this and I’m sick and tired of you idolaters claiming we are.
We did not smear the name of Jesus.
Bob Coy did…deal with it.
I have proof of his adultery.
I’m sure everyone will soon.
You people act like his “moral failure’ was tearing the tag off a mattress or getting a ticket for “loud pipes”.
Grow up.
“Tearing the tag off a mattress”
My moral failure knows no bounds then. đ
Michael #92. Incredible. Thank you. ‘tearing the tag off a mattress’. Over the top.
“I hold the belief that, [and no doubt this is contrary to the belief of some of Bobâs anguished stand of followers] reinstituting the Coys to their previously âanointedâ ministries cannot be the answer to this devastating situation in Ft. Lauderdale. In fact, I would argue reinstatement is the worst course of action possible.”
But the Ring of POWER has a Will of its own.
Thank you for sharing your story. Raw. Painful. Hopeful. May the Lord continue to use you to touch many!
I too am a wife of a cc fallen pastor. I know too well of the pain you are describing above… Many of you are saying that Calvary Chapel’s are too quick to restore pastors. That is not our experience at all. Perhaps restoration is only for the chosen, well known pastors? For us, there was no restoration, no help, no counseling, no communication from the cc organization. It saddens me that there seems to be such partiality. I’m not one to speak out usually, but I am hoping that this will strike a chord with someone that CAN DO something. Someone that WILL do something. I’ve already shared my concern with the leadership of cc but to no avail. In our city, there were 4 large churches where the pastor fell; “moral failure” (my husband included). All 3 of the other denominations had a restoration process. One had a two year program and has been fully restored to a different church, one was never taken out of the pulpit (except for some time off) and the third was mentored and counseled and continued fellowship at his church. We, however, had nothing. That took me by surprise because I’ve always been a Calvary girl with the utmost respect for the organization. I was so disappointed with the church I loved. God is faithful still. He ministered to our hearts, restored our marriage. We are doing better than ever. After serving full time in the ministry in the cc church for 20 years, I would have thought that we would have been counted valuable enough to have received help. I guess as long as you are “doing the right thing” you are valuable. As soon as you are broken, you are gone – kicked to the curb. Not by God, but by the cc men overseeing these types of things. I now know that this treatment is not God’s heart. God goes after the one; the broken; the repentant. I am so thankful for that.