TGIF
I’ve run out of words.
Words are the tools we use to describe what we see, what we feel, what we fear, and what we believe.
I’ve used up all the words I have that fit those tasks and they are all inadequate for the moment we find ourselves in.
Charles Bowden’s final book came yesterday and I wasn’t going to read it…I wanted to have something to look forward to now that most of my heroes are dead.
Temptation and necessity overtook me and I did read…perhaps Bowden would have some words I could borrow.
Chuck had run out of words as well…but the emotions were there demanding explanation.
He had seen too much devastation and expected more and he had taken in all he could.
He wanted out and so do I.
He escaped to the birds…I feed the cats.
I went to bed early and slept in late…which meant that Smokey would have a late breakfast.
He had every reason to spit and growl at my lack of care.
Instead, he crawled up inside my jacket and we both were warmed… we found shelter with each other for a moment, from the rain and from other living creatures.
My doctor calls and tells me to stay home…the virus is out of control in the valley.
The valley does not believe this.
This is their right and as they exercise their right to disbelieve it is better that I stay home.
Many believe the election has been stolen and while they exercise their right to believe it is better that I stay home.
The rains have come and mingled with the ash and the smell defies my vocabulary.
I smell it in places where there has been no flame.
I smell it while I’m online and it sticks to my mind like the wet ash sticks to my shoes.
There’s a storm coming in, so I make sure Smokey’s house has dry blankets and adequate cover.
He prefers the space between my body and my coat.
I hug him and rejoice that words are unnecessary in that moment.
The man at the store tells me there was one good thing about the fire…it burned out the Mexicans.
He asks if I might speak at his church next year.
We’re fellow believers, after all…
I tell him I’ve run out of words.
There’s a storm coming in and the only safe places are where words are unnecessary.
I believe.
Help my unbelief.
“The man at the store tells me there was one good thing about the fire…it burned out the Mexicans.
He asks if I might speak at his church next year.”
Please tell me this is hyperbole; please!
Nope…and the clerk said the amen…
Sadly, like the rest of the human race, there are great Mexicans and some that aren’t really so great… We tend to broad brush our commendations and our denigrations…
sometimes we come to the end of ourselves and find what is truly valuable. I offer a song that has helped when I arrive at the brink.
Michael, you need someone to take as good care of you as you do Smokey-:). I get what you’re going through and it’s traumatic in this world when you are a sensitive person (like me). I am of a different political persuasion as you, but we are both going through PTSD, me, because I just lost my mom and everything that entails, both bureaucratic and emotional; my husband and I have to move because of it, we can’t find a place in our price range where there is sufficient space for feral cats, and I know it has to be near a psychiatrist because I feel I will probably have a breakdown sometime soon. I can’t even grieve. The reason why this is happening the way it is is because we live in a fallen world. It’s too much to take sometimes; or maybe some or most people go through life not feeling it as much.
Instead of doing all the things in front of me I am in bed feeling almost crippled by depression. If we don’t come to a decision, our house will close escrow and we won’t know where to go.
I hope this doesn’t make you mad or more depressed, but I saw the video of Jack Hibbs crying. I don’t know if you watched the whole thing, but it wasn’t til the end and he had spent the whole hour saying, in a nutshell, that if Biden really did win, then- “awesome” was his exact word. “God has another plan. He sets up kings and takes them down.” He started crying at the closing prayer when he said, “Lord, one man is for life- one isn’t. One man stands with Israel- one doesn’t.” He apologized for losing it, but he didn’t need to.
Karen,
my sympathy on the loss of your mother…. It sounds like she was a good one…
If you can’t grieve to a healing, could i suggest that you force yourself to get up and do some taxing physical labor? Even walking …
I envy you in a way as my mother was a self centered trial and her passing was the removal of a lifelong burden… However, I still have hopes to see her in heaven as her parents raised her knowing Christ…
We have an old rescue cat that my daughter adopted when his family was forced to sell their home to pay medical bills. All their cats ended up in our animal shelter (no kill). They also adopt out feral cats to rural settings – folks with shops, stables or barns that can give food and shelter in return for mouse patrol…. Perhaps your area has something similar?
AND, Karen, post a prayer request as folks here are excellent pray-ers
God keep you and yours. 🙏
Michael
In dark times this has always been a comfort…
“Be patient toward all that is unsolved in your heart and try to love the questions themselves, like locked rooms and like books that are now written in a very foreign tongue. Do not now seek the answers, which cannot be given you because you would not be able to live them. And the point is, to live everything. Live the questions now. Perhaps you will then gradually, without noticing it, live along some distant day into the answer.”
― Rainer Maria Rilke
Over the years i have known many men who found themselves with heart (the organ) problems… They all seemed to find their emotions difficult to keep in check.. I never learned the reason, but suspect it is both psychological and organic
Praying
Karen, Your post sounds so much like what my husband and I went through in 2011, in the midst of the Great Recession. We had to sell our house and move to a smaller house when my husband lost his job of 25 years. We downsized and bought a much smaller house. The very next year I lost my teaching job. I had been teaching at the same elementary school for 13 years and it was a shock to me. So we sold our house
AGAIN, I cashed in much of my retirement savings and we bought a 1300 square foot tiny house. We10 years later we are still here. have a beautiful backyard, wonderful neighbors, and we were able to stay in our long time home of Oceanside. Those years of job loss, unemployment.,cand moving were hell – I never new that I could feel that depressed ( oh, and we were experiencing empty nest, too – our youngest had just graduated from UCLA and was moving away for a new job). Turns out we love this little house…I think I’m happier here than I’ve ever been! You neec to just get THROUGH this time, it WILL get better! If you need to see a mental health professional, by all means do it. Never believe that things will be like this forever. Just stay busy, keep praying, and know that even God’s most beloved saints are tested in this way. You don’t have to know exactly what the future will bring to know that God will bring you to a better place eventually.. God is good and He loves you!
BOC,
Besides a smaller house is easier to clean and maintain. Which is an added plus.
“Blessed are they who mourn,
for they will be comforted.”
Maybe not today, certainly not fully here on earth, but your empathy and awareness of all the wickedness here on earth and in the church is what God uses to comfort, validate and educate others. Myself included. I am so grateful for you. You’ve made a difference in my life.
“Blessed are they who hunger and thirst for righteousness,
for they will be satisfied.”
Hope on to hope and keep going. You make a difference.
Amen to Ashley’s comment.