Smokey
“Yet I am confident I will see the LORD’s goodness while I am here in the land of the living.”
(Psalm 27:13 NLT-SE)
Smokey died in my arms last night, trusting and purring until his heart stopped beating.
His last breaths on earth were spent trying to comfort both of us, because that was what he always did.
That’s what friends do for friends, that’s what it means to be family.
I find no comfort.
Smokey and I were both trying to coax a couple more years out of our bodies together…the bond between old man and old cat was strong and vital for both.
He took ill suddenly…the doctor said that no matter how much I spent he would only live a short time and he would suffer at my attempts to save him…she couldn’t speak to my suffering if he was gone.
Some recoil at this kind of affection for a pet, more are disgusted by the grief I evidence when they pass.
I’ll tell the truth…I’ve never had a wife, never had much of a blood family…in short, few humans have considered me worthy of the kind of love and care that my cats have given.
The humans have probably judged rightly, but the cats have shown mercy.
I’ve never fit the mold…any mold.
That has been my choice and I have no regrets.
I’ve always lived outside with the strays and the strays have found me worthy.
When one of them dies, I Iose a friend and part of the family closest to me.
You may feel whatever scorn suits you…it matters little to me.
I have little confidence that I will see the “goodness of God in the land of the living”.
I prayed for the goodness of God to heal my body so I could care for myself and my demented mother or maybe just heal the dementia and I prayed that He would please save my friend because I can’t handle what is on my plate already.
Instead, He allowed that which comforted me in all the other pain to die.
I don’t expect to see the goodness of God until I see God.
I have complete confidence that I will then.
In my last moments with Smokey I thanked him for all he had given and told him how much I loved him…how much many had loved him.
I choked out “Lord, into thy hands I commit his spirit” and I promised to see him soon…and he was gone.
I thought I heard Miss Kitty greet him… “Smokey!!! How is our papa???”
Postscript:
Many of you have sent condolences, many of you are fellow strays in one way or another.
I thank you and bless you…you are the goodness of God in the land of the living.
“They will not go quietly,
the cats who’ve shared our lives.
In subtle ways they let us know
their spirit still survives.”
“And although time may bring new friends
and a new food dish to fill,
That one place in our hearts
belongs to them. . . and always will.”
Linda Barnes
“ Some recoil at this kind of affection for a pet, more are disgusted by the grief I evidence when they pass.”
They are the sad ones for never knowing this kind of love. Praying for you as you grieve, my friend.
I have little confidence that I will see the “goodness of God in the land of the living”.
It was in you as you loved and cared for Smokey – and for so many of us strays.
Linn, Ck, thank you for your hearts.
BrianD, I have always received more than I have given…blessings to you, my friend and to all who understand.
So sorry about Smokey, praying that you will be comforted..
Catherine
Goodness of God? Michael, YOU WILL! ! !
So sorry, Michael.
So very sorry, Michael.
I’m so sorry Michael! The older I get, the more I realize that death is what makes life so precious.
Michael my friend,
you have shown much love to many though it may not have been in the manner they expected or noted. you have always shown great care, affection, patience, and love for your feline friends–and reflected that love by way of your many stories about them which have enriched us all. I’m sorry for the loss of the beloved Smokey.
bob1, Em, Catherine…thank you.
Dave,
So true…the darkness of death causes the light of life to shine brighter.
fil,
Thank you, my friend…you too have learned to live after even greater loss and retained your core…thanks again for the kind words and example.
Your writing resonates so well. The loss of our precious pets causes pain that mirrors how deeply we love be them and care for them. You love the strays well and all of us deeply appreciate it.
Sorry Michael for your loss!
Was thinking that maybe Cecelia is enjoying their company, Miss Kitty and Smokey 😃
She loved cats and she loved your articles💕
Jenn J,
Thank you. if I love them well it’s because they have always loved me back…
Elena,
That’s a wonderful thought…she has now met them all in person.
Thank you, my friend…
When my daughter died recently, I clung to my dog Oskar as he’d always clung to me. A lover and toucher and always wanting to be on, not just with, his person. He could be annoying that way.
Now, after such loss and in the midst of a grief I’ve never known before, he helped me, immensely.
And then, he died. Suddenly. Unexpectedly.
I prayed for both of them. The most earnest prayers I’ve ever prayed.
And yet, they are gone.
I found myself grieving, and now grieving again.
At times, it feels like too much.
I have to say that I often don’t understand the ways of God, Michael.
And yet, I feel very close to God. God in me, actually.
Perhaps because of my simple deep need, uncomplicated by the theology of my past. Now, I feel as if I just have simple raw need. Suffering can simplify things; I feel God’s love and care, even in the midst of my suffering.
I pray that God is close and that his love comforts you in this profound loss, my friend.
Alex, May you continue to know God’s presence as you grieve.
Alex,
It is too much
It’s way bleeping too much.
I honestly don’t know how you are doing it, other than you have to because of other responsibilities.
I got angry at God when Oskar died…
I wanted to get angry at God today…but remembered you and decided if anyone wanted to get in a fairness argument with God, you should be able to go first.
Theologically, I am left with only the eschaton, when He comes and makes things right.
That will be enough for the time I have left.
Whoa!
Lots of pain here. Sorry to see it.
Let me not attempt to say more.
I’m sorry
Alan,
I know your heart…thank you.
So sorry Michael.
Michael, I just read your post about Smokey as I was traveling for a few days. My heart goes out to you brother. Each time I travel I notice numerous animals that have died or been killed by the roadside; I pray for each of them as I pass. Yesterday as I was returning home, I noticed a beautiful smoke gray cat lying dead on the shoulder of the highway. Prayers ensued, and I began to again wonder if God ever gets upset with me for praying for animals as much as or more than people….
Michael,
As we know, such a loss is incalculable…
Dan,
Thank you. my friend.
Chris A,
God bless you for your prayers for all creatures and your kind words…I’m glad to know others offer a prayer for deceased critters on the highways…
Duane,
It is like being injured…it takes a while for the swelling to go down before you realize how badly you’ve been hurt…
Michael…so very sorry about Smokey.
I’ve gotten to know him & Miss Kitty through your writings. Loosing a dear faithful companion is one of the hardest things in life. You will be reunited one day….that is our hope.
pslady,
Thank you…it is our hope and I’m assured that our hope will be rewarded…amen.
Michael, Alex,
I grieve with you both.
No words can express.
Parker,
Thanks, my friend.
I’m so sorry Michael…. I can identify with what you’ve said. I’m sorry for your suffering, but am grateful that you share it as it helps me in mine. I look forward to the day where we remember this place no more. I look forward to seeing all of our cats one day… and Jesus.
Kristi,
Thank you…I’ll say the amen to the reunion…