Today is a hard day and by writing this I will make it even more difficult.
Today there will be a funeral for a friend who died too young… a funeral I will not attend ,even though I adored the deceased.
I do not remember why, but a very long time ago there was an issue between us and she died before whatever happened was reconciled.
I always thought there was time and at the right time all would be made well again.
Too many years have passed, too many lives were lived in the interim and I have no place at this graveside, so I will grieve privately…for my friend and for my sin and foolishness that makes the grief even more bitter.
There are many spiritual applications to be made from this situation and normally I would open up a vein and speak with you about them, believing that in doing so I would be speaking to people who have shared in this sort of grief…and maybe even save someone from it happening to them.
I have always trusted my readers with my pain, even when I didn’t trust myself.
I don’t trust them anymore.
In days gone by there was a time when I thought my gift to this community was to connect us in our shared humanity, in our common sins and fears while hoping to end up in faith.
Those things (which are all that really matter to me) have been superseded by who we vote for , whether we have had a shot, whether we wear a mask, and most of all, by who we despise.
We determine the value of another by whether they belong to our tribe…tribes that are concerned with transitory matters that demand that eternal things be diminished in their favor.
I am obsessed with the eternal things and the Lord who is over them…I cannot exchange them for a membership or temporal approval.
I would love to share with you as a brother and a believer where I have failed and what I still hope for…I would love to disciple you with my brokenness so that you might avoid being broken in the same way…but I no longer trust that it would matter if I did.
So, instead of writing I will spend the time praying for the repose and eternal peace of my friend in hope of a heavenly reunion.
I will pray that her and God forgive me and that I find a way to forgive myself for ignoring the need for reconciliation.
I might spend some time praying for the dead still breathing who have forgotten what it means to be truly human in the image of God and could end up missing a lot of funerals they should have attended…before the small gathering at their own.
Make your own application…