The Importance of Validation: Cash
It’s difficult for some loved ones to give us validation for our mental illness because they don’t want to believe we’re in so much pain that they can’t do anything about. Mental disorders and the symptoms they cause can sometimes put us in a great deal of pain.
We have a need to share our pain with others. There’s just a desire in us for people we care about to know that we’re hurting. We want them to know so they can comfort us, pray for us, reassure us, and take care of us. Mental illness validation from our loved ones and others helps us to recover.
For some reason, with mental illness there is scrutiny by others. Some people, it seems, think it’s their call in life to disparage people who suffer from mental disorders. Unfortunately, the attacks often come from the ones who are supposed to care for us the most.
It’s sometimes family members’ attitudes about mental illness that can hurt us the most because they refuse to validate our mental illnesses. This can result in a constant tension between the ill person and the rest of the family.
This non-validation can also come from church family as well. There are many Christians who don’t accept that there is a difference between mental illness and spiritual sickness. The former has to do with the brain; the latter has to do with our inner heart.
What we are wanting and needing from others is validation of our mental illness and the very real pain we are in. It’s what we’re needing from friends and loved ones. The simple root word “valid” means just that. It’s another person saying to you that they hear what you are saying and that your thoughts and ideas about your life and your condition are valid. Probably the best way to express this is simply, “I believe you.”
So, why does it grate on us so much if people doubt our pain and our suffering?
We doubt ourselves. The most anxiety-producing thoughts are sometimes those in our own heads that deal with us being mentally ill and needing help. “What if I’m not really as sick as I think I am?” we ask ourselves. “What if they think I’m not sick?”
As mentioned previously, it’s often the people we respect and trust and who have a huge influence on us. We don’t want to disappoint them, especially if we already feel unlovable.
One important place we need to be validated is with our therapist or psychiatrist, or with our pastor. If they are questioning our integrity or minimizing things, it can fill us with fear and doubt. You should be treated with respect in your therapist’s office. This means you should expect your healthcare professional to validate you and the concerns you have about your illness.
One of the places where validation doesn’t always occur is our pastor’s office. This is because many pastors are yet unaware of mental illness and the way it can effect people. Or they are unaware of their place as spiritual advisors, not medical practitioners.
I have even heard of pastors advising mentally ill people to go off their meds, believing their needs to be spiritual only. This can create a dangerous situation for the person seeking to be ministered to, especially if they go off their meds without their doctor’s advice.
In the end, the truth is, we all crave validation. Try to remember to support the people in your life with mental illnesses by validating them as much as possible.
This is really good stuff…thank you, my friend!
Agreeing with Michael regarding Cash’s post this morning. 100% agreeing…
Unfortunately the situation is complicated and clouded by a category of bad actors, people, devious in character, who play a phony trauma card to manipulate, to gain who knows what… If you think you’ve never known such a person or you think no one would do such a thing….? I say you are mistaken.
We need to be smart enough to tell the difference, but if we’re not, then we’d better assume the person is wounded – NOT the other way around.. shame on those pastors who think all trials indicate a need for more “spirituality.” Guess they skipped the book of Job. . err something…. apologies for the rant here
God keep
Validation is acknowledging the feelings of someone else. It doesn’t mean accepting bad behaviors. This is a critical distinction. “Validate the valid, invalidate the invalid.” Feelings are neither good nor bad, they just are. Invalidation hits to the core of someone as a person. “You have no right to feel that way because of x, y, z…” is invalidation and basically telling someone that their feelings are worthless. For an emotionally fragile person, it’s akin to telling them that they themselves are worthless.
I’ve seen people try to be supportive of those with suicide ideation. “You have everything to live for! People love you!” Or even, “God loves you!” These things may be true, but they are invalidating because they deny the emotions underlying the person with SI. Sometimes just listening is the sincerest and safest form of validation. Like Cash said, sometimes the person in distress just wants acknowledgment of their pain.
Validate the person.. Amen, Victor… Matt 5:22 .. calling aother a fool has some strong condemnation
It’s been a long road for me in my mental health journey. Fear is huge in my life as sadly I’ve made my fears larger than God. The bottom line is I didn’t believe His promises for me which led me to not trust God as I believe(d) I was separated from Him due to my defects. This leads to self loathing. My issue was feeling I was entitled to healing and to be free from suffering. I ignored Psalms Proverbs 3:5 Trust in the LORD with all your heart, and do not depend on your own understanding.
Proverbs 3:6 In all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make your paths straight. Dying terrifies me. I don’t go about telling people of my anxiety and panic attacks. That can invite a lot of disagreement on so many levels as Cash has pointed out. Even though I truly suffer at times I’m still guilty of many sins; mostly of my heart. If all of this deepens my relationship with God it’s worth it all. Circumstances are different for each of us. My heart is with those who suffer. An aside……. I can’t say enough about some of the music of Keith Green and its impact on me. Music can be a salve to each of us. Thank you Michael for keeping this important topic in front of us.
Erunner,
Thank you…if you have anything from your blog you’d like to run here send it on.
I’m sorry you’re struggling…may you find some light and peace soon.
Thanks Michael. Shut down my blog maybe three years ago!
Erunner,
I know…but if you kept anything we can use it here.
Unfortunately I didn’t save a thing.
Thank you Michael for posting these & the work Cash has done to bring it to us. I have seen the errors notated by Cash and it saddens me. I appreciate what Em and many others here have said. May God give us all wisdom to know what to say and even if we should say anything at all. I have always liked the admonition to rejoice with those who rejoice and sorrow with those who sorrow. Sometimes, that which ministered most to me was someone who didn’t say anything, but cried with me and just stayed with me.
Michael, thank you my brother for being such a great friend to me
JM I am happy that the articles have affected you in a positive way. Thanks Em you always have something interesting to say. I admire that quality! Thanks too for the kind words.
ERunner- Love you man I know you’re really going through it. Just know we’re here for you. Reach out to us if u need to. Love y’all!