Fear, Faith, Feelings…
Taking Miss Kitty to the veterinarian last week was a traumatic experience. My cat was really sick and I had resigned myself to the fact that she may not survive.That’s hard enough to handle for a pet lover…the process made it so much worse.
A masked attendant would come out to the car and retrieve her. The attendant would take her into the office for the exam…I had to wait in the car. If she had to be euthanized, I would be informed over the phone. She would die without me and I would receive her remains later. What I intended as an effort to sustain my beloved cats life suddenly felt like an act of violence and cruelty against us both.
That’s not what it was, that’s what it felt like.
Thinking about this later, I wondered how many times this scenario with the accompanying feelings has played out with human patients since the beginning of the pandemic? How many have died alone after saying choked goodbyes over a smartphone?
When I was awaiting word on Missy’s prognosis I wondered about demanding I be allowed to be present, about forcing my way in so that she could pass knowing how loved she is. I wondered what I would do if that were a loved human inside the building I was locked out of.
My county is on lockdown and my friends are out of work. Their unemployment ends the day after Christmas. There will be no Christmas celebration because there is no money and they have run out of ways to explain this to their children. They have run out of ways to explain it to themselves other than the governor is evil incarnate and enjoys having a boot on their neck.
It surely feels that way to them and who can blame them?
Others believe the churches are restricted because the authorities hate Jesus, though they would have to conclude they hate restaurants, gyms, and other small businesses as well.
I wear a mask without much thought, but when asked to wear it through a drive up, I balk.
We trust very few and judge how trustworthy someone is by what they post on Facebook. Are they one of us or are they deceived?
We hate the media…except for the media that feeds how we feel. They are the ones telling the truth. They will be censored, but we we link to the censored material without realizing that the very act of doing so means it wasn’t censored very well.
There are days when I fear for my future and more days when I fear even more about the future that will be when I’m gone.
Pious ones post “do not fear” Scriptures on social media and I question both their theology and sanity.
We act strong, assured, and angry…or just angry.
Maybe… we’re all just confused and terrified.
Maybe…if we gave each other the space to admit that, we’d feel a lot better about the challenges we face and each other.
Maybe…being afraid isn’t a sin, but staying afraid is when you know Jesus.
Maybe…we need to focus on just knowing Jesus and drop the other stuff.
Maybe…
“Maybe” it is enough to just get through a day doing what we know we should-doing a job well if we are blessed to have one, being kind as possible to those with whom we have contact (even those we don’t care for so much), keeping up our prayer and Bible reading, and being thankful for what we have. That seems to be all God asks for us in Matt 6: 33. God will take care of the rest, although it may not be what we want, but He gives grace for that, too. When I was a missionary in an unstable country in South America, that thought (God just wants me to trust Him today, and He already knows about tomorrow) really helped me focus on the right things because every day could hold an unpleasant, or perilous “surprise”, but doing the kind things of ministry helped me keep my focus. It’s not easy, but it helps to remember that i need to do the dishes, play with the cat, correct my students lovingly, and participate in what i can at church while they insist on meeting in spite of everything they have been told. God will sort it out, and me, too, as He wills. I don’t think that’s giving up or being fatalistic. There are some things going on right now that are bigger than most of us. God will call some of us to work in certain areas politically or medically, but most of us, it’s to be faithful. I’ve never gotten in trouble for being faithful.
Good ponder material again….
Communication among mortals is helpful (had a couple of disastrous non communication events up here yesterday). So….
Isn’t it reasonable to believe that the canon of Scriptures God as provided will help us to focus on the big picture?
Poor little Miss Kitty and her best friend Michael… My daughter tells of taking one of her old cats to be euthanized. She said the independent old cat looked up at her as if saying goodbye, walked across the exam table and laid down on the mat to receive his final injection. It was, somehow, right and peaceful.
Sitting in the car, waiting to hear? Is there another vet clinic nearby?
God keep
” Iāve never gotten in trouble for being faithful.”
I have…but point well made.
It’s been the right kind of trouble to be in…
Em,
All the clinics are doing this.
Thankfully, Missy has rallied and we have some time left…
Children with no Chriistmas morning? Is there a Toys For Tots anywhere close?
Pet clinics are small and the ones we use here in western GA are all drive-up service only. All the vet techs have been super wonderful and helpful too.
Michael, praying that, when the time comes, she passes peacefully at home – for both your sakes
Thank you, Em.
Dan,
Between the fires and the pandemic our locals are overbooked and stressed to the max.
We all are…
Well, I have gotten into trouble a couple of times when I have insisted on doing the right thing (and it was the right thing, not a difference of opinion), but what I like to call “routine” faithfulness-getting to work on time or a little earlier, helping someone in need, letting a mom with little ones go first in line-that has never gotten me into trouble.
Iāll just say it, Iām afraid.
Linn,
I agree…
CK,
Me too…about a bunch of stuff.
I’m assured that Jesus will receive me in the end…but between now and then, I’m a little shaky…
God understands fear, i think ( in spite of the “perfect love” verse). Sometimes i do wonder if we confuse dread and fear.
Both the Captain and Michael and many more – me included, have things that loom before us causing dread….
But Captain, Michael… WOW…. If everyone here isn’t praying, we should be – betting we are, though
Amongst the toughest things Iāve had to do is deciding when itās time for one of our pets to go to Heaven. Over 25 years, Iāve had to make that choice five times. Although itās gut wrenching they have all been the right times to go. Saying goodbye to Calebās Misty was one the toughest. My son had her for half of his life. Seeing Caleb cry for his cat was horrible. On the other hand it is encouraging that he has such a heart for other creatures.
From a Christmas letter received today:
“…..This life is brief and shifting. He [Jesus] said He went to heaven to prepare a….. home. Heaven is for undeserving sinners; hell s a willing choice for the alternative. It’s by His grace we are saved. We all exercise defiance. Make ourselves the masters in priorities of worship. Everybody worships something or someone. It’s a very curious thing about humans. …..”
Amen – works for me…..
God keep
Good observation, David H. Good observation indeed
Give Caleb a hug – tell him it’s from a granny he’s never met, but she is sad he hurts … I had a totally charming wire hair terrier when i was a child, he’d wait for me to get home from school and wouldn’t leave my side the rest of the day… someone stole him out of our fenced yard and i never saw him again…. Good chance Caleb’s Misty will be waiting for him in heaven as i hope Skipper will be also…
David H,
“Although itās gut wrenching they have all been the right times to go.”
I wish I shared your experience. I have second guessed every decision I’ve ever made to put a pet to sleep. For me, they were terrible experiences, even worse in the aftermath, and I don’t know if I could ever again acquire another dog after having had to put two to sleep.
The hardest part for me is: I don’t want the power or the decision. I just don’t feel like I should have it. I’m not saying anyone else’s alternative feelings are better or worse.
First, Michael, your writing on this is exquisite. The analogy was perfect. I have a lot I could say. But I will keep it at this: I listened to a series on Psalm 31 by Pastor Alistair Begg, titled “My Times Are In In Your Hands.” Among many things, he calls for a renewed focus on the doctrine of providence. I cannot recommend listening to this series enough. I find so much solace in God’s providence. Because we know who He is. His character has never and will never change. He is always good. And merciful. And loving. And compassionate. Therefore, we can be assured whatever befalls us, it went through His filter of goodness before it came to us. Love you, Michael. Suffering sucks.
David H,
I watched my sister’s dog struggle horribly with bone cancer in its leg for several years until they finally decided to put it to sleep. It was a slow-growing cancer, but that didn’t justify the terrible suffering the dog went through because they “just couldn’t bear” to put him down. When my kitty of almost 18 years started failing last March, I checked with the vet, she told me what to look for, and one morning I just knew that she didn’t want to live anymore. The only thing I hated about the process was having to drop her off in the parking lot, but vet came out, let me know what was going on, reassured me regarding my decision, and then came out when it was over to tell me how it went (my cat was famous for her nasty disposition at the vet and she had a caution sticker on her folder she was proud of). The vet gave me a little smile when she said that kitty had the “last hiss.” I came home and bawled, and couldn’t bear to empty the litter box for a week, but I knew I did the right thing.
Amazingly, God sent me another cat just a few weeks later. I know that isn’t for everyone, but being alone all day in quarantine wasn’t easy for me. She’s a pretty little tortie who was dumped by her previous owners in a feral colony and pulled out by a rescue when she just didn’t seem feral. She was quite traumatized, but after three months under the bed and in the bathroom, is currently the queen of my home. She’s a fairly gentle soul, except when she nibbles politely on my arm in the morning if her breakfast is not served on time.
Amen Mike E, amen…
It gets harder as I get older.
I have been fortunate in a way that the last three were obviously near the end and suffering terribly.
I knew what I had to do.
I make a fool out of myself every time.
When we put Chester to rest it was the most traumatic death of my life and I could not contain my grief…it is to my shame that I have never grieved over a human that way.
When Miss Kitty’s time comes, at least we’ll have been intentional about our time before hand.
It won’t make it easier.
Love you too, Mike..thank you.
I admit I am afraid for the future, expecially as my surgery which should have been this week has been postponed a month because of the covid surge in the county, and I’m not convinced things will be better after a month. I have been working towards channeling my fears and uncertainties and anxieties into prayer, especially in the evenings when they loom large. Captain Kevin, I have been praying for you all week, hang in there. Michael, I’m praying for you, too, with your many burdens at this time.
sarah,
Keeping you in prayer…I find evening prayer from the Daily Office helpful…
Sarah, thank you so much!
Michael:
āMe tooā¦about a bunch of stuff.
Iām assured that Jesus will receive me in the endā¦but between now and then, Iām a little shakyā¦ā
That pretty much sums up where Iām at.
Sarah, praying here too… Captain and Michael for you folks also… Lord, strengthen these who love You, but feel burdened by what life/Satan is testing them (and most of the human race) with now… loss of a loving pet, loss of a home, is there cancer in my body…. praying for a good end to all of this…
Thank you, Em! Praying for you too.
āMaybeā¦ weāre all just confused and terrified…
Maybeā¦being afraid isnāt a sin, but staying afraid is when you know Jesus.ā
I think thatās why he had to make sure and tell us over and over š
God may allow Satan to take our lives, or the lives of our loved ones (God please spare us the latter outcome) by the action of this virus, or, as it is in California more often these days, by violence. But it is Jesus who is eminent through our faithfulness and, better yet, imminent if we die.
I was reminded by Michaelās article of an excerpt from Meic Pearceās book Why the Rest Hates the West. He describes the āweapon of the weakā.
āTerrorism has been called the weapon of the weak; the weak can be relied upon to use such weapons as they have. Terrorism has the advantage
of using the Westās own distinctive features against it: an open society (to aid infiltration and hiding); instant and full news coverage (to maximize the political effect); a horror of death or of sustaining even small numā
bers of casualties (resulting from the absence of any deepārooted sense of transcendence and also from the sheer comfort of Westernersā lives). After any action, the rule of law can make prosecution difficult… ā
That last part bites hard – cause what are you gonna do about it all:
the terrorisms of the info-terrorists?
The fudged numbers and the skewed statistics,
the graphs that lack context and the outright lies of the media?
The fact that standing closer than six feet from the person in line in front of you was actually a human comfort we didnāt realize was so important?
The broken holiday gatherings and lovers dying alone after 50 years of marriage?
What are you really going to do about it?
Use Parler? Oh heavens… no! And the powers that be give you the bird… they are so smug, arenāt they?
But Satan has no authority over the Christian. He is truly a weak god. All he has is lies, pain, and division – like Putin and Assad in Syria and, for the purposes of this post, our government, political leaders, and their lying tongues in just about all media outlets. If you are terrified of the information terrorists take Michaelās caution – We know Jesus, and He knows us.
You WILL be able to resist in the evil day. You WILL stand, friends.
To fear is not a sin. Be not afraid.
God help us because deceit is prospering, as the prophet warned.
Love you folks. Warmest Greetings and have the Merriest Christmas you can muster!