TGIF
Amazing grace, how sweet the sound that saved a wretch like me.
I’ll claim it for myself while I pray that He pours His wrath out on thee…
That which I feared the most had come upon me.
After fourteen years as a faithful parent, I was going to be replaced…at least that was how it felt.
Trey, I was told, was going to meet his blood father.
I will not refer to the man as his “real” father, as being a true father requires much more than blood and semen.
Those were the things that I had tried to provide,the things that required time, and sacrifice, and love.
The man was notorious for his wickedness and had paid a steep price for it.
Now, he had been judged fit to finally receive my greatest treasure.
He was going to be the recipient of grace beyond measure.
Nothing could have enraged, depressed, or hurt me more.
He didn’t deserve such grace.
I believed I had earned it.
I wanted grace for me and justice for him.
Jesus wept.
Grace is only “amazing” in relation to the degree of the sin it covers.
It can cover all sins, from the smallest to the grossest, the grosser the sin, the more amazing it seems.
It cannot be earned or worked for, it can only be received as a free gift of God.
You only qualify for it by being disqualified for it.
We think it only required “pedestrian” grace to save us and we mock the cross in thinking so.
For me to receive the “amazing” grace necessary to save my soul, another Father had to give his Son.
He did so willingly and with great love.
I’m not that willing and I feel no love, but grace still abounds.
I have not been replaced and the love of God shown through a young boy might save another mans soul.
Christ died for him as well as me.
Perhaps, someday, that will be good news to me… until then, grace will cover us both.
It really is amazing.
Make your own application….
I consider knowing who you are to be the essential foundation for constructing our lives. Every child should be told by those who love them and know them who they are. That means where they came from, who the blood parents are, why you are the caregiving parent, and what that child means to you and to God.
The seminal role of parenting is bequeathing identity. Thus, Michael as you know you are the parent to Trey. Discovering the ‘others’ who played a role is really important. A child who is constantly told who they are and who they are in Christ is infinitely secured by love.
Still I understand the consternation and applaud the open dealing with it.
There is always enough love to give. There is always room in the heart of people who love to love more and love well.
Thank you for bringing this important topic. I share my thoughts as one who has many encounters and not as one who deigns to judge yours. You always judge yourself more severely than anyone but you carry the heart of fatherhood well.
Amazing Grace Indeed Dread
Brother, I just love you. And you cannot know just how much I relate to you in this.
This I do know, though. Our kids do not forget our faithfulness, for all it may appear they either don’t or may not.
Our faithfulness is a precious well they will always return to and long for.
Deep stuff, Michael..
As you may know, I was recently ‘found’ by my biological son, whom I was more or less forced to give up to adoption when I was 17. Thanks to modern technology, and a great reunion searching agency, a huge circle of questions have been answered and continue to be answered. It’s HUGE for all of us…for me, for him, for my other children and extended family. It’s huge for him to learn about his deceased biological father, his weaknesses and strengths… Some things are nature and not nurture… I hope this reunion will be ‘good’ for Tray…and ultimately, for you, as well…
Deep stuff. Very deep. Deeper than any of us can know fully.
Oops.. Trey…. I’m sorry.
Yes, what Dread said!
Great comments…thank you all for the kind words.
i’ll have to read others’ thoughts here – other perspectives… i’ve never understood the conclusion that “who” one is depends on the identity of the genes… except for medical reasons… and a curiosity as to how the streams converged that placed you on the earth… i’ve seen some of these situations within families close to me… and all different reactions – good and bad ones
one of the hard things, tho, is to be a parent (the one who has parented) and then watch the child use his wings to fly away, to find other landing places… like the dove you hope the man(generic) will come back
God has blessed Trey and we’ll all pray now for the lad to be given wisdom and discernment
Many of you know that I met my niece for the first time last week. She is 45 has 4 kids 2 stepchildren and 6 grands. She was adopted at birth. Her life has not been easy but she states that it has been a wonderful life. Why? Because of iher adoptive father who never ceased telling her who she is and still encouraging her to find her natural family.
In her case the natural father did not even know she existed. Yes, I know how strange that sounds but it was true. She did however, find him after we told them both who was who.
The adoptive father told her the story of her adoption every year as a ritual part of her birthday celebration. He never left anything out about their desire for children, frustration at failing to have their own, loss of children at birth, and joy at her adoption. She lived secure in her chosenness. Finding us was just closing the circle. Finding us was finishing the story. Finding us was opening new chapters. Your story resonates. Hers is remarkable.
Profound and beautiful, Michael…praying for you and for Trey, for wisdom beyond his years.
Amen to Laura’s comments: Our kids do not forget our faithfulness, for all it may appear they either don’t or may not.
And especially: Our faithfulness is a precious well they will always return to and long for.
Thanks for cracking open the door to reality.
Michael, you are not being replaced. No one could replace or erase the relationship you have with Trey. He will never forget the love you’ve shown to him.
I had lunch today with a friend I grew up with from Kindergarten on.
She was adopted as a baby and doesn’t know her biological family at all. Barely knows anything about them.
She has wanted to find them for 30 years but has a dream that it would end badly.
We have another friend that was adopted as a child and hasn’t been able to have her birth certificate since she was part of a closed adoption.
Both of these women have had an adulthood of grieving the families they never knew, even though they loved the families that raised them.
I think you’ve done a good thing for Trey by allowing him to meet his bio dad.
I raised a nephew, I had about 1/2 hour to decide if I would help or not I still remember my mother asking me standing next to the dresser with the large mirror that is in her old room. With all the pictures of my family, all but one brother are now dead. My nephew is now 37 and has a kid of his own. I don’t know why maybe its just me or whatever but the grief I took raising him from my faith community still sticks with me. I mean the you should help those of the faith he is not your responsibility and the all you want is attention, bragging, feeling sorry for yourself, exaggerating, liar bla bla bla I never understood. Yes I did ask three times for help in how to deal with my feelings concerning the issue. I know that is evil and even demonic but I begged for forgiveness for being selfish. I was there when my nephew’s father died and I remember witnessing to him about Jesus and him saying I really need that and believe that. In my joy, which I admit is pathetic and revolting I shared that experience only to be reminded that death bed confessions are just another way for Satan to manipulate the true believer into a false sense of security in their unregenerate state. It was like when my nephew was visiting / staying with his mom when she was able to care for him was beaten really bad and my sister was put into the hospital by this man I got upset, again another vile sin, and one of my best friends in the faith told me, I really enjoy this I E getting attention concerning family issues. It was right after I got off the phone hearing about it. So no the “grace” is not so amazing to be honest. I got tired of repenting of being a human being and for still breathing. Posted under my somewhat pseudonym. Which I am very glad Michael lets us do that. You know I will never have my own child but my nephew tells me I was a great “father” to him but deep down that makes me want to puke due to what I have let get shoved into my soul from the evangelical cult.
My wife was adopted at birth only to be abandoned by her adoptive father in her teens after he divorced her mother. This has left deep wounds on her soul that will probably never heal. Now she has the difficult job of being my kids “step” parent. It’s a difficult role to be a parent by choice. I see it first hand.
You’re a special father to your boy. Trey sees it. God sees it. You have made an eternal difference in his life that nobody can change.
The love you have invested into that boy is building him into a secure young man who will understand the world is full of broken people who make lousy choices…. but he is completely loved by the one who chose to be his “dad.”
It’s important to know what tribe you belong to.
I left my own tribe as a small child and was given another mans name who was not of my own tribe.
I’ve spent the last fifty years without that foundational place to form identity.
I believe Southerners have it right…identity is set in the family and the land…all I can pass on to anyone is my relationship to this dirt…and T deserves more.
Incogneto,
Wow, my heart really hurts for you. Sounds like your “church” was NOT. I pray you will forgive yourself for trying to do what was good and know that your nephew can see your love above all else. There is nothing evil or demonic about the emotions God Himself gave you.
I pray you can recover from this toxic cult that masqueraded as the “church.”
Michael,
You are brave and real.
Trey will benefit from those attributes the rest of his life.
FWIW – the many kind words of assurance to Michael, good words all, should be backed by prayer for Trey… he’s at the approach to the most treacherous waters that he’ll navigate in this life… pray that he’ll reach manhood without the many battle scars that most of us can say are the result of poor decisions and misplaced trust… pray that he’s absolutely been imprinted by Michael with truth and the Faith – pray for the lad, if you care about Michael
just sayin this unseasonably hot June morning
Grace is gladly received, but difficult to extend. Yet it’s in extending it that we find out what’s really involved with it.
Excellent reminder, Michael. I hope the meeting went well, and that God gave both you and Trey the strength that was needed.