TGIF
Smokey is deconstructing his faith…in me.
Trust has been broken…unintentionally, but broken none the less.
Trust has always been hard for the Big Smoke and recent events have made it all the more difficult for the big guy.
I don’t know where Smokey came from, but I know when he arrived here he was a mess.
He carried many scars and open wounds and only stayed because the meals were regular.
I took him to the vet, built him a little outdoor house, and tried to care for him as he would allow.
I took responsibility for him and committed to him as family.
When Miss Kitty died, I invited him to share the inside of my home…and he seemed to like that idea….sometimes.
Then, in his mind…I disappeared.
Gone.
In reality, I was in the hospital for a week having surgery ….but cats know little about such things and much about absence and broken routines.
When I returned he was confused and hesitant to engage with me, but he tried to overcome this abandonment.
Just when he was getting comfortable again, I “abandoned” him when he needed me the most.
My family thought a day away near the sea would help me recover, so I left overnight on the 4th of July.
For pets, the 4th of July is pure hell.
Smokey evidently came inside to escape the fireworks and all the noise… he fled to me for protection…and I wasn’t there.
I came home to find find the largest pile of cat excrement I’ve ever seen… in my bed.
Smokey was hurt and angry and confused and he wanted me to know about it.
I commend him on his communications skills…
Many of us believed we found a home in the house of God only to be abused and abandoned by those we trusted.
Because the leaders stood representing Christ we wonder why Christ allowed this to happen…and if Christ felt the same way about us.
They lied about how much we were loved…what else did they lie about?
To make matters worse we are often blamed for our own pain…it was some defect in us that is to blame for what happened to us.
This is the beginning of deconstruction.
Life beats us to a pulp in other ways and it seems like whoever this God is, he is absent when we needed him the most.
We are left with shards of broken faith cutting us and the pain never stops.
If you’re in this place…remember Smokey.
Smokey can’t understand all that has gone on around and to him and neither can we.
What he will learn…in time…is that my heart toward him has never wavered…even when he left a message in my bed.
Whether he understands or not, I will always make sure he is cared for and he will always be family.
He will be given all the time he needs to reconstruct his trust and faith in me, because I understand he’s just a cat.
He is loved.
So are you.
In time…maybe a long time…you will find that Jesus has been there all along and He is nothing like those who claim to represent Him.
He is with you.
He is for you.
He truly will never leave or forsake you…even if you’ve been communicating with Him like Smokey did with me.
Metaphorically, of course…
Make your own application…
I am dealing with a situation with my elderly father who I never have been sure really loved me. He ended up being arrested, put in a psych ward, and we are trying to figure out POA. He is a bit like Smokey—beat up and untrusting. I have long left my dad issues with my Heavenly Father, but I hope showing love to my dad will help him find rest in his Heavenly Father.
Linn,
I pray that it does as well.
The main tool (or weapon) of the Christian will always be the demonstration of sacrificial love…and I believe it “succeeds” where nothing else will…
Abusive parent? A neighbor had such a dad. Now the old man is demented and incontinent and my Christian neighbor is caring for his dad as if he’d been a good parent. Must be a lesson for me in there somewhere. ….
I love my daughter or i would take her two elderly, incontinent, vomiting cats for their final trip to the vet. Fortunately, she has bare wood floors – easier to clean up..
God keep and give old Smokey some understanding of who his best friend and hope is….
Thank you for writing this. I’ve recently been listening to Christianity Today’s podcast series on Mars Hill/Mark Driscoll, and it’s been painful to listen to. It reminded me of the passage in Ezekiel about the shepherds who exploit and harm the sheep, in contrast to Jesus’s statements in John about being the Good Shepherd who lays down His life for the sheep. I’ve had to keep reminding myself that Jesus has not forsaken those wounded by churches and church leaders (including me). He is good and His steadfast love endures forever. And I pray He will raise up shepherds who walk in the way of the Lamb, tending and feeding the flock with the Body and Blood of Christ.
Thank you, Gabby!
Thanks so much for this, I needed to read it….even a dozen years after leaving church for good, I still struggle with these issues (where was God when everyone here who claims to follow Him treated me like utter, unwanted crap? Is Jesus even around to see this? Is this place where I live now actually God-forsaken?). I try to remember when I feel abandoned/discarded by God that I don’t know or understand what’s going on, and that when I was in the hospital for my surgery earlier this year I did believe that He was there with me and was comforted, but just last week I was in a situation where I realized that I’m caught (painfully so) between this deep yearning to serve God as a musician again (I’d done it for decades, before it all came crashing down), and the reality that I’m still terrified to set foot in a church again. Reading your stories here helps me reorient my spiritual perspective, and I’m grateful for that.
Sarah, i wish i could send you a picture of the mechanic who worked on my car when it broke down in Oregon – short, fat, long black hair…. had i seen him when i left the car there, i wouldn’t have done so. But the guy is an ex stock car race driver, smarter about cars than anyone i know – fixed my problem and only charged me $15 shop time plus parts. Sometimes God has our backs even when it doesn’t look that way….
I have known others who’ve been betrayed by Christians-so-called.
We just have to learn that God IS there for us even when it doesn’t seem that he is…. or so it sems to this old lady. 😉
God keep
Thank you, Sarah…God is with you and for you…and my prayer is that you will become as convinced of that as I am…and trust me, I’ve had lots of doubt over time.
Lots…