What Are You Hearing ?
It was supposed to be a really good night.
At the end of the normal training on this evening, Trey would be presented with his orange belt in tai kwan do.
The instructor ran them through their warm ups as always, then into the kicking drills.
For the first time since he enrolled Trey was not only going to do his kicking, he was going to hold the big pads that his fellow students would kick.
It was a small symbol to his peers that he was climbing up the martial arts ranks.
The problem arose when it was evident that his bigger, weightier classmates were overpowering him and the instructor came to help and gently chuckled as Trey handed him back the pads.
The class ended and the big moment arrived, the reception of the next level of belts.
The instructor was effusive in his praise of the three graduates, pronouncing that it was possibly the best orange belt testing in school history.
How proud I was as he announced the grades and spoke so highly of my beloved little man.
Trey dropped his yellow belt to the floor and, on cue, snapped open the orange belt which was then ceremoniously tied around his waist with a respectful bow from his instructor.
When we got in my truck to leave, it was soon evident that my son wasn’t happy.
He was embarrassed about the kicking drill and upset that people had chuckled at his attempt to hold the pads.
He is smaller and lighter than many his age and gets teased at school…and he felt like the mockery had transferred to this place as well.
I listened…then asked him if he had heard the high praise spoken over him as he received his belt.
He guessed he had…but it didn’t matter.
He only heard in his heart what past experience and pain allowed him to receive.
He allowed a little negative log to dam a river of positive feedback.
He gave away the joy that was rightfully his.
As his father, I wept over him and for him as he slept that night.
For many of us, I believe another Father weeps as well.
We can no longer hear His words of love and affirmation, no longer see good in His hand of providence.
We are suspicious of our classmates and disappointed in our Instructor.
We are willing to weep with those who weep, but secretly wish that those rejoicing would go elsewhere.
What little joy we have comes from sharing our misery…and that is a very small joy,indeed.
Sometimes, I write for myself as well as others.
My boy and I are a lot alike.
Make your own application….
Rejection is one of the biggest issues we deal with as humans, especially as children. Now that I’m no longer a child, I am finally learning what my identity in Christ is and how much God loves me. I’ve spent most of my adult life responding to what I perceived as rejection and feeling much hurt, but now I am able to remember what God says about me, how I am accepted in the Beloved, how He loves me as much as He loves Jesus, how I am blessed in all spiritual blessings, how He doesn’t remember my failures, and how I am adopted as a son. I am able now to remember these things when I feel rejected and rejection does not have all that power over me anymore. It is less and less all the time as I turn to the Word and the TRUTH about who I am in Christ.
I understand how children receive rejection and then how it colors their lives and how it colors how others respond to them. I have kids of my own and see it in their lives. One has chosen to learn who she is in Christ and overcome this rejection (which is no small job!). The other has chosen to turn to the world for help. I ache more for her. She is not on the best road.
There is comfort in what God says about His love for us and who we are in Him. Comfort for adults, comfort for children, men or women. I think we have to seek that knowledge and pour it on our children. They are not likely to seek it out, so I think it’s our job to do it for them. Whether or not they choose to believe it is another issue. It’s hard. I feel for you.
As I Dad, my heart breaks as I wonder why my love doesn’t “weigh more” in the life of my kids. Matthew 7.11 says “So if you sinful people know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your heavenly Father give good gifts to those who ask him.”
Only in the last very short while have I read this, and the preceding verses about asking, seeking and knocking and started asking God to have His words weigh more with me. Paul says God comforts us so we can comfort others, and I realize I haven’t had the resource from God to draw from and I need to ask Him to work in my heart to make His words for me “weigh more” than my circumstances, thoughts, etc.
I really appreciate this post, it is where I am living these days.
Adding my amen to Scott and Rob. I find myself ‘riding’ my kids, especially my oldest…and I find that it takes multiple times the positive comments to overcome one negative.
I have a friend who embraces this so well…she knows on such a visceral level that God holds her in His affection that she is able to ignore many negative comments she hears from others (she has a visible handicap). She is so rooted in God’s approval and affection that she hears differently.
Praying for Trey…and for you…and so many you represent. Praying that you can be seized by God’s great affection today. That the reality of God’s delight overcomes the negative.
I’m in my 60’s and can still hear the teasing and the taunts echoing from childhood….both from children and adults. Praying for Trey.
Good word Michael, very encouraging.
Me, personally, I’m that guy you describe. I am more comfortable hearing the bad.
With my kids? I find the positive and the good in everything and extend as much grace and love as possible. I don’t want to ruin them and make them like me.
Let Trey know that we are praying for him, and that he would hear the good.
We went to our first TKD tournament this weekend, and it was a bit of an eye opener for us all.
My daughter just became a green belt and started sparring. She has good form in her solo practice, but has yet to try breaking boards. So it was a surprise to us that she wanted to try breaking boards and that didnt break the first one – so she didnt move onto the rest.
For sparring, she got beat by a girl who was bigger than her and did the same move every time. My kid needs to learn a little bit o strategy… 🙂
The judges did not see any of daughters kicks, plain and simple. She got no points.
We were told afterward that no one from our school got good marks for their form.
My daughter cried her eyes out, as she was expecting to get a medal of some kind. We tried to console her that she did well on her form and that the judges just looked for different things than she was taught. But as it seemed to us, the judges seemed to be judging subjectivly and somewhat capricously as well. Maybe with practice, she will do better next time. But at the end of the day, we had a 7 year old who wanted a medal and did not get one, and no matter what wwe told her, didnt want to hear that in our eyes, she did good.
We also rejoice that there is a Righteous Judge who doesnt play favs.
Thank you for this writing Michael. I deeply relate to it…… the continual voice of failure and rejection definitely filters out any sense of accomplishment or acceptance.
It’s an on going battle….. makes me think of the verse
” keep yourselves in the love of God” Jude 1:21
Praying for Trey today.
Applause.
Thank you Michael. You and Trey are much loved!
Great insights again, Michael!
Boy, can I identify with what you, Michael, wrote and what Trey experienced. My prayer is that we all, as Paigemom so wisely quoted, “keep ourselves in the love of God”. I’d add that I continually tell myself to “take every thought captive to the obedience of Christ”. For many years, I interpreted that verse as a negative admonishment, and sometimes it is, but I’m learning that it could mean a positive encouragement as well.
Profound words today. Others don’t realize how their words leave deep wounds.
Thank you, Michael.
Very timely encouragement for me while I’m here behind the Orange Curtain, It is all to easy unfortunately for me to let negative comments or uncomfortable situations around some folks, take my eyes off of all the incredible joy and privilege of being with those I love and who love me unconditionally!
You know you really nailed me in this one. How much injustice that I have suffered was really happening and how much of it what what the context of my life’s experience put it all our of proportion. I think back to my early days in Christ, and I know that like you son I left feeling beat up because experience had taken away my ability to believe anything good about me. — that — “THE CONTXT OF MY LIFE and how much has I missed out on because of it. My life really sucked – drunk mom bad part of town – jumped and urinated on by gangs told all the time by dear ol mom that everything i touched would turn to dung –without the King’s English — but how much has Satan the thief and robber taken from me, from us all – but Thank God for Jesus who came to tell me who I really am, even though I still don’t hear it at times, for me the dirt sticks, the beauty seems unreal and untouchable –
Anyhow your little man has ministered to me again –
keep up the good fight
DMW and just realized how the word Sh*^ stuck to me until you shared this. I mean when you own mom says it over and over, and now I am 63 an finally gain understanding to a million things in my life –